Customer  no service

A recent experience with a local retailer has inspired me to pen this column. We all know the old rule of retail: “The customer is always right.” OK, anyone with the grey matter of a tree frog knows that the adage is more a “rule of thumb” rather than a hard and fast rule. However, all too often these days, retailers operate under a different rule: “The customer is always a fool.” Well, guess what “brick and mortar” dudes, we fools got us computers and telephones. Yee-haw! And when you hook them together you can shop all over the world -- standard shipping free!

Last week my local merchant lied to me, insulted my intelligence, and then told me I would not get a refund if their product didn’t work. Thanks a lot, local guy down the street, but If I’m going to be treated like doo-doo and then get my pocket picked, I’d rather it be by a guy in India with a headset. I know it sounds crazy, but I sort of expect more from people I share a zip code with and see at the grocery store.

Speaking of the grocery store, how do you feel about being a customer and an unpaid employee? Not only are we asked to patronize our local grocer, but after we’ve shopped, we are then asked to become checker and bagger. They call it “self checkout.”  So, let me get this straight: They want me to drive to the store, pick out the products, ring ‘em up, bag ‘em up, and drag it all back to the car. Are you sure I can’t restock the bread aisle while I’m here? What’s next, I go to McDonald’s, order a Big Mac and they hand me an apron and a spatula?

If you’ve traveled recently, you may have noticed the same trend at the airline counter. Not only do most airlines encourage you to “self check-in,” Alaska Airlines, for one, charges $15.00 for your first checked bag. That’s right, your first checked bag. I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have to check a freakin’ bag if I didn’t have to carry my own food and blankets on board.

I guess the demise of customer service all started with the self-serve gas station. If you Twitter and your pants hang off your arse, you’re probably too young to remember. However, back in “the day,” a gas station attendant would not only pump your gas, he’d (yes “he,” back then women wore roller skates and worked at the drive-in) wash your windshield, check your oil and put air in your tires. You want air, now? Drive around back and put a couple of quarters in the compressor. I’m sorry, but paying for air is just wrong. It’s like paying for...well...air.

These industries would probably tell us that the elimination of labor is necessary to keep costs down. I have noticed the dramatic drop in grocery, airfare and gasoline prices,haven’t you?

And if you don’t think crappy customer service is a “life and death” issue, just wait until we have Euro/Canadian style government-run health care. Have you been to the Post Office lately? All right, that’s a topic for another week.

What is the benefit to patronizing our local retailers anyway? Price? No. Convenience? No. Selection? Certainly not. So what is it? Oh, yeah, customer service. You just can’t get that “personal touch” by shopping on-line. That’s right. It’s always a better experience to be told I can’t get what I want, when I want it, for the price I want to pay, by a disrespectful teenager after I’ve driven all the way downtown. Although I guess I shouldn’t complain. Since I’m already downtown pumping my own gas and bagging my own groceries, I might as well stop by my local retailer for a little “hands-on” service. Which usually involves a middle finger.

Keep Your Eye on the Bouncing Ball.

The once ubiquitous bouncing ball helped us learn the jingles and slogans in the era of the Beave’ and into the Partridge Family decade, before it retired to Florida. It worked because it provided presence and meter, it reinforced the tempo and invited us to sing along - to get involved. In it’s own way, the ball itself became a cheerful little spokesperson. It was effective and it kept us on track.

Advertising as a whole can learn a lesson from the venerable Mr. Ball. I’m talking about involvement, meter, and tracking. For sustainable advertising, any marketing message you produce should contain these elements, to engage the masses and convert them into zealous patrons who’ll sing your song long after you’re off the air. Your advertising should encourage those masses to get involved, it should dictate what level of involvement, and it should be tracked for effectiveness. Bear with me while I stretch this metaphor to it’s breaking point...

Good advertising doesn’t preach, it either incites us to learn more, experience something new, or encourages us to get involved - to sing along.

Good advertising is a continuous process. Not everyone will see or hear every ad - repetition and tempo are important. Sometimes the beat is low and sustained (during the season and off season) sometimes (just before the holidays) it will crescendo, but if it stops short, customers will stop singing and forget why they were singing in the first place.

Good advertising is also tracked, providing feedback. If you can’t quantify which ads are effective and you can’t discern why they ARE effective, then you’ve essentially dropped the bouncing ball. Tracking can seem incredibly complicated these days, especially to hear the folks at Neilsen talk about “segmentation, performance modeling, and impression metrics...” but, in truth, it’s as simple as finding good ways to ask our customers “how did you learn about us, our product, or this sale?” 

It’s simply about following the bouncing ball, and singing a song that the customer want’s to join in on.